Linda Lajterman suffered one of the worst experiences of her life while on a cruise with her husband and two other couples. Halfway through the trip, one of her friends stopped talking to her -- for good.
琳達•拉哲特曼(Linda Lajterman)在與丈夫和另外兩對夫婦乘船游覽的時候遭遇了她這輩子最不愉快的經(jīng)歷。半路上，她的一個朋友不理她了，而且永遠不理她了。
Ms. Lajterman says she has no idea what prompted the woman, who was one of her best friends, to cut her off. They helped take care of each other's kids, celebrated family events together and shared confidences. After the cruise, which took place a few years ago, she called her friend and asked for an explanation, but received none. She says she was devastated.
拉哲特曼說，她不知道是什么事讓最好的朋友和她絕交了。她們曾幫對方照看小孩，一起舉辦家庭慶祝活動，分享秘密。在旅行過后，她打電話給那個朋友，請她作出解釋，不過對方什么也沒說。這已經(jīng)是幾年前的事了。拉哲特曼說，她因此感到很傷心。
'I would have welcomed the opportunity to apologize or discuss it if I did anything wrong,' says Ms. Lajterman, a 52-year-old nurse from Ramsey, N.J. 'Instead, it took me three self-help books and two years to make peace with the fact that someone I thought was a good friend ended our friendship.'
現(xiàn)年52歲的拉哲特曼是新澤西州拉姆齊的一名護士。她說，如果是我做錯了什么事，我希望有機會道歉，或者和她好好談談。相反，我卻是在讀了三本自助書，花了兩年的時間后才讓自己接受了這個事實──我以為是好朋友的人和我絕交了。
There are 50 ways to leave your lover, according to Paul Simon. But how many ways are there to leave a friend?
正如保羅•西蒙(Paul Simon)在歌中唱到的，離開情人的方法有50種。不過，離開朋友的方法有多少種呢？
I know, it's a terrible question. But think about it: Some of the worst breakups in our lives are not with romantic partners. They are with friends -- the people with whom we often share our deepest thoughts. Friends provide guidance, encouragement, laughter and a refuge. Losing a good friend can be one of the saddest experiences in life.
我知道，這個問題很可怕。不過好好想想：我們?nèi)松凶钤愀獾姆质纸?jīng)歷有些并不是和情人之間。有些是和朋友──那些我們經(jīng)常分享自己內(nèi)心深處想法的人。朋友能夠給你指引、鼓勵、歡笑和避風港。失去一個好朋友有可能是一輩子最讓人難過的經(jīng)歷之一。
And yet, many friendships just don't last. Some simply fizzle out, victims of routine life events such as moves, job changes, divorce or a divergence of interests.
不過，很多友誼就是無法持久。有些是無疾而終，成為搬家、工作變動、離婚和興趣不同等普通人生過程的犧牲品。
Others end badly. Rob Wilson, 53, a writer in Atlanta, saw a 12-year friendship abruptly end after he mentioned he was voting for George W. Bush in the 2004 presidential election. Arthur Newton, 46, a hotel manager from Austin, Texas, had a female friend tell him she couldn't hang out with him anymore because her husband was jealous.
有些則是不歡而散。53歲的羅伯•威爾遜(Rob Wilson)是亞特蘭大的一位作家。在2004年的總統(tǒng)大選中，他向朋友提到自己投了布什(George W. Bush)的票，之后兩人之間12年的友誼就戛然而止了。得克薩斯州奧斯汀46歲的酒店經(jīng)理亞瑟•牛頓(Arthur Newton)的一個女性朋友告訴他，因為她丈夫嫉妒，所以她無法繼續(xù)和他做朋友了。
Michael Hassard watched a good friend run away from him -- literally. He had heard his pal had begun dating his ex-girlfriend, so Mr. Hassard, 39, a NASA engineer from Muscle Shoals, Ala., approached him in church one day to ask about it. But before he could speak, his friend turned and fled down a hallway, out the door and into his car. He and his former buddy never spoke again.
邁克爾•哈薩德(Michael Hassard)眼睜睜地看著他的一個好朋友從他身邊跑掉了。哈薩德39歲，是駐阿拉巴馬州的一名美國國家航空及太空總署(NASA)工程師。他聽說朋友開始與自己的前女友約會，所以有一天他在教堂見到他時，想上前問個究竟。可是還沒等他開口，朋友就轉(zhuǎn)身沿著走廊跑掉了，跑到門外之后進了自己的車。兩人從此再沒說過話。
Friendships are such a nuanced and intriguing relationship that we even follow celebrity friend breakups, as we do their romances. Why else would we care about Mariana Pasternak but for her tell-all book about her former friendship with Martha Stewart, which ended after Ms. Pasternak testified at Ms. Stewart's 2004 trial.
友誼是一種微妙而動人的關(guān)系，我們甚至會像關(guān)注名人情侶分手一樣關(guān)注名人朋友分手。如果不是瑪麗安娜•巴斯特納克(Mariana Pasternak)那本有關(guān)她和“家政女皇”瑪莎•斯圖爾特(Martha Stewart)從前友誼的“全揭秘”書，我們又怎么會關(guān)注她呢？2004年斯圖爾特受審時，巴斯特納克曾出庭作證，之后兩人的友誼就結(jié)束了。
'It's a myth that friendships last forever,' says Irene S. Levine, a psychologist, professor of psychiatry at New York University's medical school and author of 'Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend.' We are tied to our family by blood and our spouses by law, so we are often more attentive to those relationships. 'Friendships are relationships of choice, so we tend to overlook them,' she says.
紐約大學醫(yī)學院精神病學教授、心理學家艾琳•萊文(Irene S. Levine)說，友誼地久天長的說法純粹是天方夜譚。她曾著有《永遠都是好朋友》(Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend)一書。她說，我們與家人之間靠血緣關(guān)系維系，和配偶之間靠法律關(guān)系維系，所以我們對家人和配偶更用心；友誼則是你選擇的，所以我們往往會忽視。
As a result, many friendships die from neglect, Dr. Levine says. And this in itself poses a very sticky problem in friendship breakups: How do you know if you're being neglected -- or dumped? What if your friend is always too busy to get together but always seems to have a good excuse? What if she never calls you, but seems happy enough to hear from you when you call?
萊文說，結(jié)果就造成很多友誼因為忽視而告終。這本身就給朋友之間的分手帶來了一個非常棘手的問題：你如何知道自己被忽視了，或被“拋棄”了？如果你的朋友總是看起來忙得無法和你見面，又總是看起來有很好的理由怎么辦？如果她從來不給你打電話，但在你打給她的時候看起來很高興呢？
And there's the rub. There are no rules or even societal norms for friendship breakups. Friends who want to split don't go to counseling or get a mediator or a lawyer, as divorcing couples do. And there typically aren't a bunch of nosy relatives willing to intervene and relay messages, as there are when a split is within a family.
問題是，對于朋友之間的分手，并沒有什么規(guī)則可言，甚至沒有社交慣例可循。要分手的朋友不會像離婚的夫妻一樣去找顧問咨詢，或是找個調(diào)解人或律師。與夫妻分手不同的時，朋友分手通常也沒有一大群嘰嘰喳喳的親戚想要干預或在中間傳話。
Also, dissolving a friendship is harder than ever these days, with so many digital ties holding us together, from social-networking Web sites like Facebook to stored numbers in cellphones.
此外，與朋友分手如今變得比以往更難了，因為有那么多的數(shù)字紐帶將我們連在一起，從Facebook等社交網(wǎng)站到手機上存儲的電話號碼。
Dave Nadkarni can tell you all about it. When he decided to end a relationship a few years ago with a close female friend he felt was spreading rumors about him, he stopped returning her calls, defriended her on Facebook, blocked her on his instant-message list, stopped following her on Twitter and changed her name in his cellphone to 'Do Not Pick Up.' 'It was cathartic,' he says.
大衛(wèi)•納德卡尼(Dave Nadkarni)對此深有感觸。幾年前他決定和一位他覺得說自己壞話的紅顏知己絕交的時候，他不回她的電話，在Facebook不再把她列為好友，在即時消息名單上把她屏蔽掉，不再關(guān)注她的“推文”，把手機中她的名字改成了“不要接聽”。他說，這真像是來了一場大掃除。
But it didn't work. His friend got the hint and stopped calling him, and he has successfully avoided seeing her in real life. But he still runs into her constantly online, every time a mutual friend retweets her Twitter posts or she leaves a comment on a mutual Facebook friend's status update.
不過卻沒有用。他的那個女性朋友明白了他的暗示，不再給他打電話，現(xiàn)實生活中他也成功地得以避免再見到她。不過他仍會經(jīng)常在網(wǎng)上碰到她，比如每次他們共同的朋友把她的“推文”轉(zhuǎn)給他，或是她在共同的Facebook朋友的狀態(tài)更新中留言的時候。
'It sucks,' says Mr. Nadkarni, 29, a sales rep for a security company in Las Vegas. 'It's like the dog that's stuck on your leg that you can't shake off.'
現(xiàn)年29歲的納德卡尼是拉斯維加斯一家安保公司的銷售代表。他說，太糟糕了，就像是一只咬著你腿不放、你怎么都擺脫不掉的狗。
So how do you finish off a friendship? Are some ways better than others?
你是如何結(jié)束一場友誼的？有沒有什么好的分手方法？
Psychologists recommend ending a friendship in a way that avoids collateral damage with mutual friends, spouses and coworkers, and allows you to start it up again later, if you want. So don't hurl insults. Don't assign blame. Try to be polite.
心理學家建議，結(jié)束友誼的方式要盡量避免給共同的朋友、配偶和同事造成連帶傷害，還要為你以后一旦想要恢復交往留下余地。所以，不要大聲謾罵，不要怪罪對方，而是要盡量保持禮貌。
Here are some tips:
以下提供一些建議：
-- Take a deep breath. If you're mad, give yourself time to calm down. You want to be sure you really want to end the friendship.
--深吸一口氣。如果你快氣瘋了，給自己時間冷靜下來。你要確定自己真的想要結(jié)束兩人之間的友誼。
-- Try a temporary separation. you might find you miss each other and want to get back together. Hey, it has worked for married couples.
--嘗試暫時分開。你可能會發(fā)現(xiàn)你們都想念對方，希望恢復交往。至少這種方法對夫妻是有效的。
-- Lie. Claim to be super busy -- blame work or the kids. the experts are with me on this. They say the time to be up-front and honest with your friends is before a breakup.
--善意的謊言。說自己忙得不可開交，就說工作太忙或孩子需要照顧。在這點上，專家們和我的看法是一致的。他們說，真要到了分手的時候，你再對朋友直截了當?shù)卣f實話。
-- Go slowly, especially if it's a close relationship.
--慢慢來,特別是如果你們是非常要好的朋友。
-- Foist your unwanted friend off on another friend. friends of mine have used this strategy on me before. (They know who They are.)
--把自己要絕交的朋友塞給另外一個朋友。我的朋友就曾對我用過這個方法。（誰做的誰知道。）
-- Become a Facebook pest. I have a gay friend who has had much success getting rid of bigoted high school friends by making his status updates as flamboyant and politically charged as possible.
--成為Facebook上的討人嫌。我有一個朋友是同性戀,他成功地擺脫了頑固不化的高中朋友,他的方法就是把自己的狀態(tài)更新盡量弄得花哨、充滿政治色彩。
-- Issue an ultimatum -- but be prepared to lose your friends.
--發(fā)最后通牒，不過你要準備好失去你的朋友。
That's what happened to Nelson De Sousa. Last spring, he repeatedly got into heated arguments with his two best friends from high school, whom he been close to for more than 20 years. He felt they were too sympathetic to his wife's point of view after his divorce. In one day, he screamed at them both on the phone. Each of them hung up on him.
尼爾森•德索薩(Nelson De Sousa)就有這樣的遭遇。去年春天，他和高中時兩個最要好的朋友時常陷入激烈的爭吵──他們已經(jīng)是20多年的朋友了。他感覺在自己離婚之后，他們過于同情他妻子的觀點。終于有一天，他在電話中沖著兩人都大叫了。兩個人都掛了他的電話。
For months after that, Mr. De Sousa says there was a 'cold war atmosphere' in the friendship. When he called his friends, they often refused to pick up the phone. When they did, they were icy to him.
德索薩說，之后好幾個月，他們的友誼都處于冷戰(zhàn)氣氛。當他打電話給他們的時候，對方常常拒絕接聽。即使是接了，對他的態(tài)度也是冷冰冰的。
Finally, he'd had enough. So he left a message for each one of them on their home phones: 'Tag, you're it. I'm not playing this game anymore. The ball is in your court.' That was last August. He hasn't heard from them since.
最后，他受夠了。所以，他分別在兩人家里的電話上留言說，好吧，我不再玩這個游戲了，球現(xiàn)在在你那半場了。這件事是去年8月份發(fā)生的，之后他再也沒有收到過他們的消息。
Now Mr. De Sousa can't hear any music by bands that were big when he was in high school, such as Duran Duran, New Order, R.E.M. or James, without feeling sad. And to make matters worse, he got engaged last week and would love to share the news with his old friends.
現(xiàn)在，德索薩每每聽到高中時熱門樂隊演奏的音樂，比如杜蘭杜蘭(Duran Duran)、New Order、R.E.M.或是James，就會感到傷心。更糟糕的是，上周他訂婚了，他真想和自己的老朋友分享這個好消息。
'I was the cutter-offer,' says Mr. De Sousa, 37, a trade compliance manager from Union, N.J. 'But perhaps it wasn't the best strategy.'
德索薩37歲，是新澤西州的一名貿(mào)易合規(guī)經(jīng)理。他說，是我和他們一刀兩斷了，但或許這并不是最好的策略。
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